Talk to those who resonate with you and your message. We aren’t hermits, we need to connect in order to survive. We have big feelings, even when it’s not convenient. Since young, we learn most of the stuff from the people around us especially from our parents. Unfortunately, people who’ve experienced childhood trauma are at an even greater disadvantage when it comes to forming attachments. we develop presence and we learn to let go…the rest is easy. Some really enjoy the interaction. From the local pub to the cafe across the street, from the stands at the little league baseball field to one of the seemingly infinite number of online chat rooms, people are constantly connecting with each other. This last group of people is the most interesting people as they are good at pointing out things that people can;t usually see. Because we are wired that way. We all have 24 hours in a day, if we spend just a few hours of … To be clear, INFJs aren’t the only Myers-Briggs personality type to struggle with loneliness. Then I got my answer. I know what you mean. Connecting to the world is just as important as connecting to people. The solution to all of these problems is quite simple really: all you have to do is take fate into your own hands. I can’t believe this! But because of this human tendency to revere our own opinions, many people find they can only really connect with people who carry similar views. I think this the first time a doctor has read one of my posts! Out of the blue, one fine day I suddenly wondered why I hung out more with the guys. Learn what it means for kids to struggle with social skills, and what can help. Overbearing parents tend to keep their children close to them (partly due to the risk touched upon in the first point) and are always ready to retort their child’s plea for adventure with the remark, “You’re too young to understand.” In effect, this implants in their minds a certain misconception that you have to be a certain age before you can make your own decisions, even on things that require you to break out of your comfort zone. If you’ve been keeping to yourself or having difficulties with interpersonal relationships, it could be a sign that you have childhood trauma. There’s no substitute for in-person contact in terms of the emotional nourishment we receive and the social skills we develop. Some people these days are just suspicious of kindhearted individuals like you because they think there is some hidden ulterior motive behind good actions. Thanks for your thoughts, Serenity Hacker! Thanks for sharing this, Marie – I’ll always remember it. Hesitation breeds fear, while action fuels courage. Do you struggle to connect with others? In my opinion, it’s easier to approach someone when you know you’ll never see them again if the interaction doesn’t work out. If there was a choice between chatting with you online, and meeting you face to face, I’d pack my bags in a heartbeat :). You’ve got some great points here about connecting in public. 3. By not talking to strangers you can miss out on a wonderful conversation and the sharing of ideas. Why do some people still hold “never talk to strangers” as their mantra? I’ve been meditating for 6 months now. Trust issues. My why naturally draws me to understanding the why in others. Find out how you can contribute to my work each month and receive great rewards! Regardless of what form the trauma takes, a lack of parental support combined with a higher degree of personal susceptibility to the traumatic events can lead to the formation of emotional wounds, and often, disorders of attachment. Others, like Ted Bundy, are more cunning in hiding their extreme pathology but obviously struggle to relate to others in a normal, healthy fashion. Take a chance and reach out. Your email address will not be published. Titles similar to “BREAKING NEWS: KIDNAPPER ON THE LOOSE” or “INTERNET PREDATOR STRIKES AGAIN” would normally pop up across the screen. great post! I believe people today are more interested in connecting with their technology than connecting with people. You’ve likely heard of the Golden Rule, which states that you should treat others as you’d like to be treated. A wise person once told me that the best way to get over not feeling welcome is to take steps to cause someone else to feel welcome — even if you are the newbie in the group. In other words, find the person who looks the least comfortable and go talk to him or her. I have to put aside any hesitations based on this thinking, as hindsight says that it is worthless. I’m soon to be 31 and the my days of making friends have passed! We’re Baby Boomers so I hope this is a generational issue that’s passing away with the next generation. Long lasting relationships can be found anywhere, both on- and offline. They broadened their horizons and added a little diversity into the mix. I hope you’re the one giving out the smiles the next time you get on the bus! You don’t let yourself get close with anyone because when you do, your walls are down and it will hurt a lot more when they leave . The way I do this is to ask what he wants and why, then outline clear expectations on how to get there. While the Golden Rule is a good start, it insinuates that everyone likes to be treated the same way you do. I’m not judging you. All of this could lead them to isolate themselves and avoid closeness with others. I’m so sorry that you had to put up with the close-mindedness of others. Required fields are marked *. Personally, I find that people are more polarized, cynical and insular. @Nea Your exactly right! Hey Carla, I don’t think that’s true. I doubt people who’ve lived the best lives stayed in the same place for too long or talked to the same people forever. It’s tough sometimes to get people to come out of their shells with all the defenses they’ve built up as you mentioned. What is wrong with the world today? In my years as a psychotherapist, I’ve noted that people with significant childhood trauma tend to struggle more than most with their relationships. They risked rejection and put themselves out there. What's more, some find it particularly difficult to connect with other women and might on occasion wonder: Why don't I have female friends? . They might struggle to make conversation, seem out of sync, or behave in a way that turns off other kids. Marcia's practice is currently full and she is not taking new patients. But bidding your time and waiting for people to notice you will get you no where. In emotionally intact adults, connecting to others comes relatively easy. Hey Art, nice to hear your thoughts. I cultivated an awareness of my fear of vulnerability, including when I would … It really is a simple idea. I understand what you mean, both you and Lisa. We share something so common between us, yet most people look around and see differences. Lisa’s comments can reflect and I’ve experienced similar – but having learnt that lesson .. Hilary Melton-Butcher One of the recommendations on posting on others’ blogs is to comment and join the community, but bide your time .. til others notice you .. probably true in life –, Interesting post – thanks – The business world is filled with jargon and metaphors that are harmless when people can relate to them. Yes, I certainly agree that the news can put much fear into the air around everything. If there’s one thing the INFP “stereotype” gets … Scavenger hunts are another great way to spend time with others and also give you the opportunity to explore or rediscover your city. Some believe that they can get these needs met in their adult relationships. I’m glad you enjoyed the post, Hilary. Talk to the ones you resonate with, and pass by the ones you don’t. My youngest friendship is more than 7 years old, and my best friendship goes back to the 5th grade (over 20 … These individuals can conduct the majority of their “relationships” on-line, in order to minimize the risks getting hurt. For some people, being emotionally detached … If so, go on a hike. You can still make friends. And we’re all there, human and connected. Thanks to our advances in communication, we can connect with whomever we want from wherever we want. For those of us who want to blend in, go for it. I’ll list a few but I hope you understand that I’m not accusing you of any of them. Ultimately, if we really want to connect meaningfully with others, we have to do it in-person. I ride public transportation and sometimes it amazes me how many people are there for the long, same ride, yet don’t speak a word to each other, and barely smile. In each of the problems I’ve listed above, you’re giving the power of owning your fate into the control of someone else. We look back on how we could have communicated with certain folks months ago, and missed the opportunity, and how it could have helped us a lot if we had put aside our thoughts of what they would think. It’s a dating book but also talks about just meeting strangers in general. You are welcome to ask questions but she cannot give medical advice online. I just blend in .. and don’t jump in – wait and see how things develop and sometimes I’m so pleased I didn’t make that move – as I’m sure I’d experience Lisa’s rather unfortunate experiences. There are so many levels to connecting with others. Problem is, most leaders overuse jargon … I can tell you’re a very special person and that this world needs more people like you. Glad you enjoyed it :). It’s called, “Always Talk to Strangers”. But occasionally especially with people and community relationships a little easing in, is probably better than alienating them, or being cut off .. Or, we regard listening as somehow passive (why?). They might have a deep-seated belief that they aren’t lovable or that they’re not entitled to a loving relationship. They aren’t interested in having large groups of acquaintances as they find this kind of social activity shallow.. As an introvert or an empath, it can be tricky to make friends and find people who feel the same way about friendship. You’re Too Busy With ‘Other’ Things. Rejection is one of the main reasons people don’t just get out there and start connecting. As an introvert, the small-talk many seem to enjoy doesn’t feel like connecting to me. I've had relationships with 2 females since I was 19. I’m just listing some common reasons. You may need to go a bit deeper, by working with a therapist or counselor to heal your childhood trauma. I have to say that I haven’t found many people welcoming into their larger social circles. I'm quite a bit older than that, now. They might be terrified of being hurt, exploited, abandoned or rejected. I asked him what he would need and so we priced a car at about $5,000, then he came up with different ideas for jobs, and then we discussed how to get started. Hey Jennifer! … We need to push this fear of connecting and fear of rejection aside. Your why allows connects you to others. There can definitely be other reasons, this list is not comprehensive and all people are unique. Loneliness is very much a part of our modern society. Then I developed General Anxiety Disorder. If we soak up feelings of vulnerability from the news media, our parents, or other sources, we become fearful. It’s never too late to start connecting with others, but if you keep waiting until you’re 100% comfortable connecting, it just might be. If we continue on this path, we’ll miss out on getting to know people who are just like us. It would take me several interactions with someone before opening up on any kind of real level would feel appropriate. I say bravo to you , Lisa for connecting in the kindest of spirits. But regardless of what you want, you should connect, connect, and connect some more. This website or its third-party tools use cookies which are necessary to its functioning and required to improve your experience. We became ostracized, however, when we supported a political issue that our older neighbors did not, and they didn’t hesitate to tell us in colorful language why we were wrong. Sadly, being in relationships with hurtful people can make trauma-sufferers that much more fearful about getting involved with the next person, resulting in further social withdrawal. Study after study reports that as social animals, humans need each other. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Gone are the days when people proclaimed that all chat rooms are dangerous. Can still connect to us in particular to truly connect is learned from a childhood... 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